the elements are shattering

16.03 on 9.9

My blog feels so neglected... but of course my huge amount of homework gains priority

14.55 on 9.3

FIRST DAY OF HIGH SCHOOL!

16.47 on 8.30

Crap... school's about to start.... I LOOK LIKE A SQUIRREL, just so everyone knows... And my mouth hurts everytime i smile or laugh which makes me not do either of those things which makes me look like a person that hates the world. Extremely bored since all I'm allowed to do is sit around... But happily I have Sam with me to drag into a pit of despair with... I should go empty my Academics files and write some... chiz

14.29 on 7.29

A lots happened you could say... but a lot always happens when time passes. I came back from camp a long time ago but I just haven't had it in me to post. I miss camp so bad. But I'm starting to have nightmares about high school, and they're getting to be pretty bad. My mom took my usb drive out of the computer and put it in my room while I was at camp. It is now lost. That thing had ALL of my writing on it. Lost... I don't have the energy to search for it... All the last few weeks have been is work and reading... I made a cake so I should probably go ice that soon... But I'll force one poem out of me... even if it stinks...

13.45 on 6.21

I think today is the summer solstice. Yesterday we had some desert social thing for girl scouts... We were so totally like almost 5 star restaurant class! Muhahaha! Then I went over to Ariella's for an emergency sleepover with the gang. I also just got back from Quebec City in the province of Quebec in Canada. It was amazing other than my sister, and her deleting over three hundred pictures of Quebec. They are my art form. Sorry that I haven't checked my email or blogs or anything.... I haven't been on a computer... right now I'm on Ariella's and hotmail isn't working and I don't know half the web sites for the blogs. And today I'm going to my grandmother's to learn how to sew on knits and relax and get away from Ava and the world... I really need to. I won't have much internet connection up there.... I apologize in advance. Then I'm back for four days and then off to camp for three weeks... Sigh... It's a busy summer and I have so much that I need to do other than be away from my house. Got to go.

14.58 on 6.7

Hello everyone... So I went to Hershey park for Music in the Parks... Wind Ensemble, Jazz Band, and Women's Choir all got superior and first place... Studio got superior and came in second to Lake Bradoch (or however you spell it) we had a 99 and 95 early in the morning... and they had a 100 and 99... they got the 100 because we got a 99 and they were slightly better... Mr. Simon's happy surprisingly and content with wat we got...

So it was my first time in an amusement park away from the shore... First big rollercoaster was Farenheit... Waited for 2 hours in that line... I also rode Storm Runner, Lightning Racers, and Wildcat and Chocolate World once. A lot of people didnt even know i was in studio... and I'm sorry sam...

I also got to fence at the Scottish Games... i put up the best fight personally (i was watching for a while) and i was the only girl i think... I ate a bridie and 2 fruit smoothies... It was hot and disgusting but amazing

15.16 on 6.4

Good job on the final everybody... i got a 64.... *blows her bangs out of her eyes* does the world seem out to get me much???

By the way... the red gummy bear is the world and I'm the yellow one... currently getting squished and killed simultaneously...

16.41 on 5.19

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!!!! Ok! I get it... we either need to be completely SILENT or express every view that we have... I never knew I was so contraversial... We ARE ONLY HUMAN!!!! Maybe I should have stayed the silent observer yet again... I DO NOT... and AM NOT GOING BACK TO BEING A WALL FIXTURE! That's how I survived since elementary school... it was different in Europe... It's not possible for me to go back now...

AND JUST SO YOU KNOW! I'M SORRY IF I HUNG WITH MY P2P FRIENDS MORE THAN YOU! I TRIED TO GET YOU GUYS TO MESH! I guess you can't always get a perfect match... they might know more of my soul... And I'm sorry about that... We need to have a sleep over... And we aren't sleeping... we are spilling our souls onto a table... And no snide comments

And I'm sorry that I cant seem to get over Feng... I'm working my butt off trying too... It took me how long to get over Gage? It took Sam how long to get over Corey? It takes any of us HOW LONG TO GET OVER A GUY WE THOUGHT WE WERE IN LOVE WITH?!?!? I KNOW I still love him... Allow me this one painful indulgence... I'm ripping myself away from him to wait... This is the third and last time... I can't force myself to hate him... Give me time... I'll try... And the only thing keeping me alive is "I will survive" that song... I'll keep on fighting till I know that it is done... You've gotta let me get over these obstacles... If I don't I'll regret it for the rest of my life because it will be unfinished buisness...

17.31 on 5.17

We went to the mall yesterday... and you can read it on other blogs so I won't repeat it here... But there are a few things no one bothered to notice... and no one should be insulted by them... we all make mistakes... but at the mall after carla came some of you guys kinda started ignoring me and not walking with me... I felt really left out, which I know sounds lame, but it's true. And I just thought I would say I think it's comical that you think I was suicidal at sara's and then "she got better" just a warning so you can never get fooled by that trick again... I don't just get better in a snap of a finger... I don't bounce back... I hide behind walls and don't show it ever again... Don't fall for that trick again... it's sad that I perfected it that well...

15.59 on 5.15

I got a free iced coffee... but that's beside the point...

All I have to say is...

Feng kissed Lily... and I feel like dying.... it should have been me... but I've made far too many mistakes that I can't change now... I need to live with it... or die trying too....

19.41 on 5.14

I have made my decision about what to do with Feng.... by Monday morning he can never talk to me until he's single again.... This decision may kill me.... but at least it's done with...

I have soooo much to do this weekend... other than getting over a broken heart...

20.40 on 5.7

I lost more of my soul... and all of my hope... yea the Devil backstabbed me... got wat he wanted... and went back to suddenly keeping morals... ok... the Devil I'm talking about here is Clear-Eyes... the Devil is nicer than Clear-Eyes

16.58 on 5.6

I feel like I'm making a deal with the Devil... and of course it's not working too well... he's not letting me weasel out of my part of the bargain... It's good I don't got a soul anymore to lose... plus the Devil's already got me for eternity...

15.03 on 5.5

Feng doesn't care... it's kinda creepy... but now I can't stop thinking about tall dude... who needs a nickname.... Well I can't get my mind off him!!!! And its really annoying cuz now I know Feng doesn't care.... I'm opening a Pandora Box of guys...

15.58 on 5.2

I've discovered something painful... about being an accidental slut... It's getting harder to not trip up on my web of lies... and sure I may have "more chances" to get kisses, hugs, etc.... but the guys they're with don't think they're actually attached to them... they ask the girl if they should ask someone out... I know it shouldn't hurt this much... but why does it? the other girl only wanted to have a guy... why does he want to go back to her? I'd offer him so much more.....

14.37 on 5.1

Hi all! I have a new cast! I started cooking... and I have discovered... *drumroll* I AM A SLUT! by accident

15.00 on 4.30

No more drafting... but other than that... there's nothing much too say... well there is... but you peoples need to ask me in person... its a little risque for the internet....

19.03 on 4.22

I BROKE MY FOOT! and its starting to go numb...
okay thats all I had to say... you can hear my complaint of how that affects me in person

17.59 on 4.19

Quebec was wonderful... the city, the province, everything... except some of the kids I went with... a ton of them were just stuck up, ungrateful, spoiled, rich brats who were just going to complain and be tourists....

My foot is now killing me.... I seriously think that my extra bone popped out... I'm going to the pediatrist on tuesday....

I have so much homework it's not even funny... Everyone says the math is impossible, we read more of Dr.Jekyll and Mr. Hyde then we were told to, we wrote a persuasive essay in Mr. Sharp's class... and who knows what else...

I almost threw myself in the St. Laurence...

I should probably go talk to my family after being gone for four days as I was told to do...

Do me a favor.... if I don't show up in school on Monday, try and search for my grave

21.30 on 4.14

I’m tired of people always going, “Life is gonna be tough, toughen up.” Just when I was trying to come out of the shell I’ve been in for over 6 years… I’m tired of people always going, “Understand Ava, she’s only doing it for attention.” She needs to start to take responsibility, and I’ve tried to understand her for 13 years, it’s time she tries to understand ME for a change… All I am is a stereotype that she tosses around… “You’re not a younger sibling, how could you understand?” GET IT THROUGH YOUR THICK SKULLS PEOPLE (no offense, sorry, I just needed to get that out of my system) I am an oldest sibling, a middle child, and the youngest! I have a brother that is 10 years older than me, that beats me up, that helps me with guys, I know the works… but he’s not always home… then I’m the oldest, I try to help and guide Ava, I try to be someone she can look up to, then I’m the youngest… she treats me like crap, none of you even SEE how she treats me because she wants you to be her friend… She claps in my face, she embarrasses me so that she can look better, she acts like I could never understand what she’s going through when usually I’ve been through much worse, and she puts me down… Its really frustrating… I keep on feeling that I’m in a different boat… No one sees it my way… I’m floating alone in a desolate ocean, and a storm is brewing on the horizon…

18.51 on 4.11

So I had a track meet, Ava was annoying and Ariella was there too... Ran the 100 meter, got 16.64 seconds... Got told for the first time that I'm fast, learned more names, made new friends... etc, etc...

And then after lunch was the worst moment of my life... I broke up with Feng... outside the courtyard door to the B wing... I just whispered "It's over" in his ear.... I'm a horrible girl and person....I felt horrid because he froze and I half ran but really just walked insanelly fast away, leaving him there with tears framing my eyes, and I hid in Mrs Yannetta's classroom... I'll go write a poem I feel so bad....

19.02 on 4.10

Sorry for the delay.... I've just had so much homework... and track takes up so much time.... I knew I should have gone out for throwing.... would got me out of running all this distance....

You know.... everyone really does have a worse life than me.... all I have wrong with my life is my sister, my brother interacting with my mom which is rare now, and guys.... Ariella kinda has that imposing force of Mom, and Sara you said you had it the same way with your Dad.... But I'm in a different boat... no one cares what I do as long as I tried my hardest...

I answer to myself...

And I am never good enough....

16.59 on 4.2

Why don't I have butterflies in my stomach? I HAVE SNAKES! that are HOMICIDAL! Whyyyyyyyy?

I have a ton of homework that I have to do now that I got home from track... I sprinted REALLY good at the end of my mile personally.... but they FORGOT TO TELL ME MY TIME! and it was really windy so I probably sucked any way...

WHY IS NO ONE POSTING?!?

17.06 on 3.29

I should probably say something about the party at Brian's... but I don't have the heart to...

Nothing happened if any of you are wondering... he didn't even know what I was suggesting... and I got soo worked up by being such a wuss that I almost threw up because of the snakes in my stomach....

Brian don't feel bad, it's not your fault.

Yea... the party sucked....

16.55 on 3.21

Yes... I know that it is spring break... I know that everybody's happy... but I realize now I can't handle this for almost two weeks... I need the relaxation, but I'm not gonna get it.... I need to move out... Don't know how... but if that's what I'm forced to do, I'll do it...

Sam's over... its been interesting as always... made cookies... folded underwear.... *blink*

tonight is the service of shadows... the time of year that I feel comfortable in church... these are the days I live for.... they are my soul... everyone else usually ignores them... I feel like I'm on the wrong side of the line, the glass and the mirror...

17.24 on 3.19

FIRST DAY OF SPRING BREAK!!!!

I'll update more later

15.19 on 3.6

Should I start posting poetry up here since you all seem to LOVE it soo much? the only thing I'm afraid of is plagiarism... and you'll say to make griffonsden private, but I like being able to have random people wander through... even if they never really do... leave me to my illusions...

So.... nothing's really been up... I have determined that Blink 182 is my all time favorite band even though they're a group of perverts!

Nothing up... I'm soo bored... I should be doing homework... but I'm ready to give up... to fail...

I'm not me anymore

14.07 on 3.1

How can it hurt this bad? I just feel empty... It's not anyone's fault, it's just my own... again...
I wrote a poem on Moodle...

Tears make kiddy scribble lines down my face...
I try to erase them with a tissue held to my cheek,
but you know that erasers never work on anything other than pencils...
I try to hold it in...
my lip shivers and quakes like the beginning of an earthquake
I sniff so that my nose doesn't run
I lick my lips so that they won't notice my eyes welling up
so they won't notice the hole in my chest that was ripped a little farther
don't notice
leave me in the conrer
don't let anyone see this slip up,
this tear-streaked face...
the walls crack a little more and I collapse into my hands
I cry for all that happened, all that ever will happen
I sob into my mother's chest...
I feel so lost...
someone find me....
before I'm gone

16.05 on 2.25

I got in my honors applications... nothing really to say

11.29 on 2.22

It's SNOWING

18.33 on 2.18

While the rest of you were at Camille's party thing... I was in South Jersey at a viewing, and then today went to a funeral... just joyous!

I haven't been sleeping well since I don't know when, I've had nightmares every night... they're getting pretty intense... in everyone I fail and die... I'll explain more if you ask...

I feel like I'm betraying ---- and -- well not really --, he doesn't even know me... GOD I HATE GUYS! Well I like them... but they're waaay complicated....

Help?????

13.38 on 2.13

At a lose for words I sit here all alone...

17.04 on 2.11

Wasn't in school today... was sick and couldn't breathe... watched Les Miserables and slept for four hours...

19.32 on 2.9

Has ANYONE been able to see my font against the darkness? well good news for you, I made it lighter as you can probably see...

Surprise surprise I'm finally sick, same time as last year too...

We did a girl scout thing today to make valentine's day stuff for our silver award project...

Cleaned my room, had chinese food, nothing really to talk about...

I BEAT TWENTY LEVELS OF VORTEX ON MY iPOD!

15.25 on 2.6

Hello... today lent is supposed to start I think... how could my life be revolving so fast? The thing that I'm giving up is complaining....I complain too much... so starting tomorrow it's being cut out, and if I do, just tell me I am... I was gonna say to stop lying to myself and those around me... but that would destroy everything I've worked so hard to create... I need to go do whatever homework I have... then I seriously need to figure out how to start my autobiography and get it done if I'm planning on actually getting something published... *squeal*!

17.29 on 2.5

Sleepy...

homework, though it doesnt seem like a lot... it is... tried out for the talent show... went to studio orchestra and recorded...

my life is being mixed in a blender... my supports are spinning out from beneath me.

15.02 on 2.3

Last night was stressful... I slept over ariella's because of a crisis... we talked a lot... but i got it off my chest and suddenly the world feels emptier... i dont know why...

somethings happening in my life... and the undercurrents are too complex... i no longer know whats happening here...

18.10 on 1.29

I feel almost ready to scream! My whole right shoulder is in knots, and it has me gritting my teeth to type this now... ugh... I hate this kind of pain that never disapeers or fades...

yelling fills the house again...

14.31 on 1.27

You know... this sucks... who would ever guess that it would hurt this bad... I HATE GOING THROUGH THIS! No one is noticing... anything... and the odd thing is... I don't think I'll be able to survive this seige of my defenses... This is bad... In third grade I could bounce back, I'm not resilient anymore

15.07 on 1.24

It's funny how I lie to myself...

Seams Are Ripping More

My stupid new year's resolution was going to be to stand up for myself and let no one walk all over me... trust me... i say this with tears slipping down my cheeks... it didn't work...

I hate me, I hate the way I let some friends order me around, I hate how I let some of my friends think I have a thick shield so that allows them to insult me and push me around, I hate how everything was going so well and now everything is stabbing me in the back, I hate how I'm falling out of sync with my world, I hate how I let anyone take advantage of me, I hate how I'm finally breaking down hidden within my walls so that no one else can see my tears and try to wipe them away.

I'm never going to learn, so I don't see why you're even bothering to try and teach me anything.

16.36 on 1.22

The shadows overwhelm the muted light, the harsh light i shrink from... i am consumed by a new and unknown beast...

15.42 on 1.20

Yes, it's my sister's birthday today... I also have a ton of work to get done... I don't know if I'll be able to finish... I have -science: current events article summary, -writing: memoir, -reading: independent book summary... may not look like a lot but it is... :'(

18.03 on 1.18

Dear everyone,
Okay I'm sorry... get it? I'm sorry. I never know anything. I'm sorry because I just can't do it anymore... I need help, but I doubt anyone will be willing to give it. If I have been acting out, lashing out, hurting your feelings, or ANYTHING else... just yell at me... my only excuse is that I'm having a lot of turmoil in my life and I'm trying to find my place again... but I guess that is no excuse. I don't see why I try... Whatever I say I just end up hurting someone else... You should all be happy that you haven't lost me yet, but why should you care? I just wonder how many more shields can be ripped off. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm trying to figure out if I should be who I really am, which would make you all turn away... or to continue wearing this mask which makes you able to deal with me. I'm just too confused... but that is no excuse. Make your judgement over me, because I'm tired of hanging in the balance.

Consider talking to me... but only if you want to... you may not want to... you may not ever want to again.....

16.54 on 1.17

Can't feel my teeth... braces are an advanced form of torture... I now have four rubber bands in my mouth, two on each side.... I still need to write my play critique and then go to the orchestra concert... OUCH! THE MOTRIN ISNT WORKING AND SOMEONE STOLE MY ADVIL!!!!

20.45 on 1.16

Hello all! FREAK OUT MODE COMMENCE NOW!!! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! I CANT DO THIS!!!! I NEED TO DO ALL MY NORMAL HOMEWORK TOMORROW AND DO MY PLAY CRITIQUE AND MY ORCHESTRA CONCERT!!!! KILL MEEEEE!!! okay... I'm done ranting now... I might actually be able to get it done... on some lightning bolt of genius... some chance of God... help me please God

16.06 on 1.16

Hi all... this day was actually more okayish... I got to see Feng more because we weren't in the library anymore... that made me happy... and I'm gonna focus on my homework fully after this, so don't be expecting to hear from me for a while... There's sooo much stuff...

-Science: study for district test and find two #2 pencils

-Social Studies: Eleanor packet

-Geometry: pg 281 #1-6, pg 283 #15-18

-English: Writing: play critique and memoir

Reading: Independent Reading Book Assignment--> summary, vocab words, and advertisement

Both: Take notes from internet sources and book sources and type up works cited

Yea... least to say.... I'm swampped... ciao!

19.07 on 1.14

Sry I haven't been doing very long posts lately... I just don't have it in me anymore... writing block is slowly drowning me like quicksand... Its odd, is it just me or does no one check my blog... i hardly ever get any posts while i check everyone elses every day... hmmmmmm

My world is gone

The stark reality is... I had so much, so many chances for my future... and now my whole world is ripped to pieces


Ask me if you really wanna know... just thank God that I can never go emo.

16.33 on 1.7

Glory! Happy days! I just finished my short story Deepening Colors which will be my third in the chronicle... I can't wait to type it up! post if you want a copy!

19.47 on 1.2.08

Oh... happy new year everyone... and a sad newsflash has just come up.... WINTER BREAK IS OVER AND WE'RE BACK IN SCHOOL! *gaspy face* oh my! whatever shall we do? *faints*